Trapped - To prevent from escaping or getting free, A confining or undesirable circumstance from which escape or relief is difficult..

I was the girl with the broken smile... and i guess i still am.




SecretAlias, xx

A fool

I have been.

Chasing dream's that in reality were never going to amount to anything.
Chasing people that never will, in reality, amount to anything.
Not making the most of what i have and persistantly and consistently looking for more.

Why did i feel the need to do that?
Why do i alway's have to find a flaw in something that is perfectly sound and calm and good.

I don't know..


SecretAlias, xx

était inspirée de....

La la la la laaa...

I feel really upset lately..
I'm so impulsive.. and i feel trapped by college.
Not trapped by college.. trapped by my subjects, well, all except english.

I've lost my "creative spark" and i can't write prose or poem's at the moment.
i can still draw, at least.. but that's not what i want.

That's not who i am.
I tried to kid myself into thinking that somewhere away from music was where i belonged.. and it,as i eventually knew it would, has come back to haunt me.

I just don't feel... "happy"
You know what i want?
I want to go to a big green fucking feild, with my headphone's and my ipod, and just lay there.
Lay there and listen to MY music, write some shit and just feel... free.
Spacious.
That's the worst thing about college.. you never have your own space.
At school everyone had the same lesson's and places were empty and you could go there and be alone!
At college your never alone, ever.
I find it suffocating at times.
I'm becoming more and more recluse and... to be honest.. i really don't mind it.

What's wrong with me?

SecretAlias,
xx

4th Job Hunt

Aghhhh, lakeside.

Your website say's you have many vancancies.. so why, when i go on the bloody website's of the stores.. do they only have managerial jobs?!?!

It's annoying :)

I think i might give some of the store's a call and see exactly what i have to do to apply.
Because this whole not having any money fiasco is, tbf, annoying the fuck outt've me.

Got two birthday's AND christmas coming up, plus parties.. i need the money! =x


SecretAlias, xx

Media? BOLLOCKS :)

http://www.askmen.com/daily/austin/49b_fashion_style.html

So.

Yeah I'm not the skinniest person in the world and to be quite frank... I probably never will be!!

I've spent many year's trying to get to grips with my body, and although i am not quite there yet, I'm certainly further then i was four or five year's ago!!

The above article talks about the ideology of thin VS "fat" and as the website clearly states.. its ASK(ING) MEN.

SKINNY GIRLS ARNT SEXY! :)

yes, i agree, extremely untoned cellulite riddled girl's arnt the best physical attraction, but hey, thats a natural proccess! And guy's better get used to girls having a bit of orange peel here and there, because believe it or not, even the skinny one's have some :)

What has helped me more then anything with becoming more comfortable with my body.. is talking about it!! and also being close with someone.
It's much better to be in a relationship with someone and get used to them,as they would with you, but the (only) one nighter also helps, in my case anyway, to help confidence soar!!
He certainly didnt run away screaming!! - and in the morning he put HIS number in MY phone :)

Girl's i swear to you, being thin IS NOT the end all and be all of everything.. and if your that bothered by being a bit wobbly, Excersise! there's no point moaning if your not going to do anything about it is there.

Personally i think some things are supposed to wobble a bit ;)

SecretAlias, xx

in government and politcs

At the minute and blogspot works!

oh the joy's of the internet.


At the moment looking at post-materialism and i have to say, it is quite interesting.
I definately chose well there!

So, life.

It's.... Difficult at the minute.

No no, not love, or college, But home.

Finances. Money.


There is none. My aunt has a job interview today and i sincerely hope she does get it...
Otherwise we're Pretty much fucked :)
I was looking at Uni's again today * Blush* ( Yes, yes, i know it's early but hey!)

And Warwick is looking more and more attractive.
I ordered a prospectus and am going to book a visit in april 2010 so i can go and have a look about the place.

College is going Very well.
English Language and literature and government and politics are my favourate by far!

Love life is all good. Got a good'n called Kristian, and its nearly been a month.
Still, early day's aye?

No one ever know's what's in store..


SecretAlias,

xx

Is it so wrong

to want people to clamber over each other, scream your name insecently and declare their undying love for you daily?

To want camera's in your face and a busy office and a cue sheet and a desk with your name on it?

To want to fly across the world in search of that special story that will sensationalise the world into finally choosing either Religion or Science? Abortion or Birth? Cancer or AIDS?

To want to my Degree in Journalism With a Master's in English Language and literature?

To want my 3 A passes at A level in English language and Literature, Government and politics and Law Alongside 4 AS A passes in the above sujects plus pshycology and Possibly spanish?


To want success?

Or even to just want in General.


SecretAlias, xx

BRIGHTON - Kris, Jorden, Issah,

Guy's.. your all leaving me :'(
i kid i kid i joke i joke, I cant wait to talk to you on msn and hear all about how amazing it is there, and what the people are like, and the courses and tutor's are like also.
You all did brilliantly in your GCSE'S and i know for a fact that A level will fly by for you guy's, so long as you's dont stress yourselves out to much (cough*kris*cough)

I <3 you all ! and if you dont keep in contact i will come to brighton and break your legs :)
i lie .

But seriously, i hope you's all have a tremendous timeeeee and im missing you guy's already, cant wait to come and visit xxxxxxxxx

SecretAlias, xx

August

Has been an interesting month i must say...

A fair bit has happened.. but... there's a few people following the blog now so i wont go into details.. lol.

But once you pop you just cant stop !
I have a date next week wednesday, with a nice guy ( Sadie, nice guy? what!?)

i know..
he's not very goodlooking but he's a really nice guy and he's funny, it might be enough?

It doesnt help that there's something going on with one of my best guy mates though..
basically he dont want a relationship, he's not long been out've a two year one which wasnt great, which im cool with, yet we both like eachother and the physical attraction is just ridiculous.
and he get's jealous when other guy's talk and flirt with me?

I dunno. He's a confusing one he is i tell you that!

im currently trying to go blonde! haha! sadie, blonde, now thereee's a sight ! :D
white blonde love's! none of this yellow shizz :)
it's still ginger atm.. boo.. lol
but its getting there!



on a more serious tone.. Depression is back, mildly =\
i give up with it, and the doctor's cant do anything.. i really dont want to take my pills because they only trick my brain into thinking its not there, so as soon as i come off of them it's just the same?
ohwell..


Results soon! wooo haha, should be .. interesting?
meh!
aslong as i do well in english and spanish ( hmm =\) im all good haha!! oh, and get At least 5 B's.... LOLOL.

great.

<3


Anyway. im going because i want to sleep.


"Going in for the kill..."

SecretAlias, xx

God almighty

it's been absaloutely ages since i last posted, so sorry!

but MAJOR events have occured and to be honest i havent had the strenth or will power to face up enough to write it all down to get it out.

my aunt lost her job, well .. she quit.

We are totally fucking broke and ive got about 3 /4 birthdays i need to pay for so im scrimping and saving to be able to get people half decent shit.

i have no money to get my hair cut, or dye it, or buy new clothes ( which i really do need terribly) or to even go out!

it's ridiculous... utterly preposterous.

well.. i've also lost a best freind.. he might aswell be dead to me now because there's no way im going to be able to have a normal functioning freindship with him after whats happened.

basically i was using my aunts laptop when i wasnt supposed to be... and i was talking to a freind.

lets call him FREIND A.

FREIND A proceeded to tell me that he'd gotten up to naughties at a party with someone, lets call them PERSON 2.

PERSON 2 was very close in my family.. so when my aunt came home and read the msn convo she went balistic and took me round to FREIND A's house to tell his parents.

it was heartbreaking.. the only Boy best freind i really had, now gone.

its.. there's loads more but this is a blog so i cant detail explicitly. but yeah.

My aunts been severely depressed and although she's much better now.. im still recovering from the neglect..

she still fed us, but the interation between me and her was minimal, there were days when we literally said two words to eachother and that would be that.

the atmosphere was intense and suffocating and i just felt like crying all the time but i couldnt because i cant.

its so hard for me to cry.

the tears well and at the point of release they just fade.. and i feel so frustrated because all i need is a really good cry to get shit out and I CANT.

other problems include the fact that im still in love with Dan and it makes me sick.

What kind of prick am i? i dont even know why i like him this much its not as if i've got any physical ties to him.

He's so inside my head he feels like an extra limb and i cant function properly with it.

and he's moving to brighton... die inside every time i think about it because that would mean ANY chance of us would be gone.. but i'd still be left with the pain.. and i cant..

im so painfully single its disgusting, no one wants me, and im not surprised!

a fat, ugly, lanky, awkward tomboy with pretty little pretit girl freinds that all look better then she does.. no wonder i never get so much as a glance.

i dont know.. i just .. i dont even know what to write because there's this numbess all over me, especially my chest that prevents me from opening up when its all i really need to do.

My instincts tell me to cry, but my body doesnt listen, its as though all my nerve endings have been cut free from my brain so i cant feel the pressure.

"Since when was pressure a good thing?" "Since now."

SecretAlias, xx

Sooo..

I'VE ALMOST LEFT THE SHITHOLE! complete reason to party.
There's a very strong chance that im going to start work soon in a hotel down london, £800 a month? MINT.
I had a big arguement with Adam the other day. and i've decided i dont want him in my life.. not now, not ever. i cant deal with people lying and making up stories, and trying to fucking annoy me all the time, just because its "fun"? He need's to get his head checked, because that's not normal. AT ALL.

I spoke to Michelle properly the other day.. and i shared my biggest secret with her... because i told her i trusted her infinitely.. and i do.
She actually cried.. that made me feel incredibly awkward.. but kinda nice at the same time..she told me that she felt privileged that i felt i could tell her, and that she trusts me 100% too. greatt :)

She thought that we might be a bit weird.. because we haven't seen each other for a while.. and there's a lot of guy confusion at the moment.
basically.. there's a dude called Jamie.. and he's our friend.. now, i like jamie, not loads, but enough.. and we kissed at Taylor's party, he kissed Me.
but he'd only been broken up with his then gf sam, for about a week or two.. and he love's her.
BUT - and here's where it gets tricky- Michelle used to like him Load's.. then they lost contact, and she found her fiance ron.. Now Jamie's back in her life... and she likes him again.. not enough to break up with ron because she loves him massively... but it doesn't help that Jamie apparently likes her too..
it's very confusing.. and Michelle and i were talking about it and she was like even if she wasn't with ron, she wouldn't go with Jamie anyway, because she knows i like him plus i kissed him.. and i went well he's pretty much fucked it for himself hasn't he loll?

Soo yeah.. it's as fucked up as ever.. as usual.
When is MY love life ever normal?

You know what Michelle said to me? that she feels bad.. because she has so much happiness.. and she doesn't deserve it.. and that after talking to me and hearing my FULL story ( my secret) she's so angry, because i manage to keep up such a happy front all the time, but i never get any luck, and she wished that she could give me her happiness..

ii nearly cried when i heard that.. because it was true, i never do have any luck.. and the fact that she felt that much compassion for me.. just blew me away really.

Friends, Michelle. <3


SecretAlias, xx

Prisoner.

Complete Bollock's.

Seriously.

I feel trapped in this shitty house.. trapped by my family, trapped by everything.
It's like im backed into a corner when all i need is for people to give me a wide Berth.
i need SPACE. My aunt, is such a hipocrite at the moment, she wont let me go out, ONCE a week for like.. 2 hour's, coz i have exam's soon, When she had her GCSE's she was always going out, and she NEVER revised, at all.
I would'nt even mind if i went out the week anyother time, but i don't! even when i didn't have exam's i went out generally only on the weekend's. there were a few time's i went out during the week, but that was never regular at all.
And she's so nasty about it aswell, which is the worst thing! she can't just be like " No, sorry sade, but think of your exams", she's condecending, and rude, and belittling.
Which just make's me feel like shit, and make's me feel like i want to scream FUCK YOU.
But i won't.. becasue she's stressed at the minute.. and so am i.
She just called me back now.. and said that i could go, i've got to be home by half 9. an hour early, but its better then nothing.
We had another mini arguement on the fone, because i got the timing wrong and thought that ment i could only have an hour there so i said like, there's no point me going.. and she was like " if i was you i'd be saying that you auntie lucy" etcetc " im always sick of things not being good enough" then i realised about the timing and i was like Stop getting so fucking angry i got the timing wrong, shit. then she calmed down, but i was like talk bout Jump the gun!
S'just fucked.
I just feel really rubbish to be honest. i would very much like a cuddle, a PROPER one, at the moment.

Any offer's?

Secret Alias, xx

Icebox

S'been a while since i last blogged.. anddd..

Nothing to say to be honest.
Im not particularly happy, im not particularly sad - Just lonely.


No love conquests, no love offer's, just no love in general.

Im sick of just being the " freind" the spare wheel when poeple go to the cinema and invite me, the "singgggggleee" one.

Im not saying i want to fucking settle down, get married and have children! i just want someone to hug, and kiss, and send cute little txt's too.

Im a romantic at heart, it just take's people ages to realise it, im not as emotionless as people think.


any Free hug's going round?

=\

SecretAlias, xx

This weekend..(Y) [theme? "catch-ups"]

Has been absaloutely brilliant :)
I havnt felt this happy in almost 4 months, and woo! :D
Firstly it was fridayy, i went around Michelle's with kerri and we all had a catchup, it was really lovely, Thennnn saturday, which was brilliant for several reasons ;

1) I went to a party, and it was fucking Hillarioussss
2) i FINALLY met A guy that i'd been talking to online, he was at the party! ( he's dating my freind Sarah before you assume anything!) he is such a laugh, seriously.
3) Louis ( guy mate, s'prettttyyy goodlooking), told michelle, that if he wasnt with his gf, he wouldve been all over me that night, because he really think's im great ! i was like.. :O aha!
4) Alex ( old flame,well, old Fling more like aha ;] ), randomly msged me on msn saying, that he's got his own place now, and that i should go round there and catch up sometime, i was like Yeahh, "catch up" huh! LOL! he gave me his new number and everything, i was like Ahaaaa, ur my bitchhhhhhhh. He msged me once when he was still with his Gf also. Guess boy's like him dont like it when a girl ( like me ) doesn't go chasing, calling, texting them after "Fun times" :P

And sunday was just some fat-off chilling dayy, stayed around michelle's untill 1pm, watching the music channels and eating bacon sandwich's, then came home .. and facebooked xD
Also made plans to go out with kris after our science revision on wednesday, strongbow timeeeee!

oh yes, The constant stream of Strongbow, vodka and cigarette's has also made me happy this weekend.

Sorry guys, guess im just a dirty little Wino :)

You love it =P

SecretAlias, xx

Easter

Holidays!
Are finally here.. and what a suprise.. i have NOTHING to do in them... :)
No parties, no planned trips, nothing.. nothing at allllllllllllllllll..
I'll probably make plans and all that later on .. but it's still rubbish not knowing what im doing lol.
All i know is that Alcohol, fag's, music (and possibly weed) will play an active roll in the holidays.. Soo i don't think i'll be remembering much.. which hey, let's face it! is not really a bad thing.
Im going to try and meet up with Tiffany, Khajida and Jade during these holiday's, it should be really amazing with them 3, they are all brilliant :)
Still single, Painfully !
Not even a "link" to keep me going lol.. it's all " me myself and i" atm.

Fun times... ¬.¬ NOT.

i would like to find someone worth caring about.

OMG. reading festival... SOLD OUT :@
i was soooo amazingly angry.. but nevermind, if we can get hold of REASONABLY priced tickets me and Tiffany will go, but otherwise, i'll be going to Download, or the V festival, or maybe O2 wireless.
It's still shitty though.. look's like my birthday celebrations will be held in the local park this year.. Again.

Grrrreat.


SecretAlias, xx

Drama Is Over.. FOREVER.

That's one other thing off of my shoulders!
Past couple have days..infact.. THIS WEEK has been draining..
Im sooo tired!
All i want to do is go to bed but its earrllyy and there's housework to be done.
Fun times eh!
I've got a science biology essay to contend with.. but im actually looking forward to it
And a Re-draft of my English coursework to give me a big fat A* :)
School is flying by and its not long left now till we leave.
Great stuff.

OHH JOY ITS THE WEEKEND!
Tomorrow should be great stuff.. im going out with Michelle down london to chillaxxx and have a chat.
I've come to the conclusion that Male's are wankers.
They vary in wanker-ness ( im aware its not a word), but... they all are.
Even the "Nice" one's.
From now on, they are EARNING trust, and if they cant be bothered, then they arnt worth bothering about.

Capeesh!?

Secret Alias, xx

New old update

( THIS WAS WRITTEN A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO, NOTHING MUCH HAS CHANGED)

its the 22nd of march.. .at 3.33am in the morning.. & i cant sleep..
Again.
blogspot is being read by too many people at the moment and i dont want them reading this. yet.
im sitting here with a fag in my hand listening to all that remains.. Ha.
what an apt name for a band.. it's exactly how i feel.
or more too the point, WHAT IS all that remains?
Not much by the looks of things!
I .. ahh i dont know.
i dont know HOW im feeling at the moment.. all i know is that its not a particularly HAPPY feeling.
Gah.
as always tbh.
Cant say im a particularly happy person :)
thats just me.
thats just life eh.
sorry mate.
I LOOK happy, i ACT happy, but im NOT happy.
s'always the way.
N'ermind.
councilling wont help.. because i dont know exactly WHATS making me feel this way.
its a complete mixture of things.. some of which seem petty and ridiculous.. but build up, all culminate to a massive wieght.
on my shoulders.. that no one else can bere for me.
the only person that's come close to helping me lift it ( if only for a while)
Has been kris.
at the ski slope.
i dont know, he just gets the fact that asking Questions doesnt help me.
He'll just sit there with me, or lay there in the case of the ski slope, and listen to music with me.. and stuff will just flow.
he doesnt push, or prod, he's not nosey, or intrusive.
He just listens.
He offers advise but doesnt force it,
he know's when to crack a joke but is also a serious character.
and im going to miss him tremendously when he moves to brighton.
bad times. but he has an amazingly brilliant oppertunity to take there, and i know he will be fantastic in whatever he does in life, and i dont plan to lose contact.
So its not all terrible.
Im not saying that none of my other friends dont listen, or help me .. because they do.. in different ways.
Kris is just the one that reaches bottom. for some odd reason. i dont know. we're alot more similar then we realise.
He opens up too.. i think because he knows that what he says will stay with me. and i like to think he can relate to me, and i too him.
there was a time when i liked him, but it's grown into more then that. i dont like him in the sense of " fancy" anymore, because we've become closer then that.
i can honestly say that i view him as one of my best freinds, ever.
and i owe him for constantly being there.. i know that if i called him at say 4 in the morning crying,
he'd listen.
he might not be HAPPY that i called him at that time, but hey, i know he wouldnt hang up!
i've realised just who i want in my life in the past month.. and kris, outt've the 300 people in my year group, is the main one.
Everyone else will just fade away im sure.
which is a shame, but thats life.
i dont fit in there... and yeah, it is sad.. but heyy.. Im made of stronger stuff then that, and i've only got 6 weeks or so left at the shithole anyway.
so after that, many people can literally go fuck themselves :)
it'll be harder for all those in cliques to leave school then it will be for me.. because they think they'll all be staying great mates with their "BFF'S", but when the
facebook comments dry up, and the txt's go unanswered.. they'll realise.
but by then it will be too late. Which is also a shame.
on the last day.. i doubt very much that i'll cry.. just as i didnt for primary school.
i was the only kid outt've my year that didnt cry.
How wierd am i.
And i just.. know i wont.. because i wont miss anyone ( with one exception ). all my bridges are burnt save for one, possibly two ( Jorden)

this summer has too be amazingly beautiful.. in everyway.
I'll MAKE it beautiful.
it's the only thing worth looking forward too in these sad times.
Shit.. it's 4 in the morning, s'pose i'd better kick out.


G'night.

SecretAlias, xx

I know its late

But,

I need to talk otherwise i wont be able to sleep..
Home life is fucking up.. bill's and such are putting a huge strain on my aunt.. which in turn is puting strain on the atmosphere at home.
And it's horrible.. really, really horrible.
School isnt an escape for me either.. because i dont Belong anywhere.
I thought i did, once.
But i've since realised that, i just dont.
Simple as.

And people i thought wanted me, they don't seem to give two shits any more, which is a major letdown..

I'm in a rubbish place atm.. my head is messed and i need to sort it out..

But how.

SecretAlias ??,

xx

Hmm..

Well.. since my last post on ... Friday i do believe.. well..
I've spoken to my Freind Khadija :)
And she's given me a useful insight... she told me not to give up.
Ha. And i've listened to her.
I still feel asthough things are slowly going to pot love wise.. but we spoke about that too.
She is a wonderful girl :)

Im feeling distant again today.. and a little saddened.
I feel like im being ignored for NO reason. And i dont like that.
Ignore me fine! im not bothered! but at least give me a reason for christs's sake.
I can't wait to leave.. and start a new chapter in my life.. this chapter is five years old and its beginning to poison me.. I detest waking up in the moring and thinking i have to put on that shitty uniform and see all those faces and listen to all that pointless noise.

Grow up for fucks sake.

Your not children anymore, we're not children anymore.
It's time to move on with life.


Roll on July..

SecretAlias,
xx

I'm not

Even in the MOOD to blog at the moment..

But i feel that if i write (type, what ever ) about how im feeling.. then maybe it'll start to feel better.. that i'll start to feel better.
3 . Sadie !!™ says:
My life is just a nothingness at the moment.. everything in it. there's not ONE bit.. thats like.. special. lmao
·#I'm·# ·'just a·' ·@·&teenage dirtbag·@·& baby [c=46]<3[/c]>
:O
·#I'm·# ·'just a·' ·@·&teenage dirtbag·@·& baby [c=46]<3[/c] says:
I thought you was going for the jay


This.. is Jay's bro im talking too..
And... when i was talking to him.. i felt as though There was just NO hope .. not from what he had said.. but.. from my own realisations.
And it sucks.
Good and proper. Just like usual.
I just... i just feel like its not going to happen.. no matter how close i manage to get.. i just.. i dont know.
=\
And it's rubbish.. because i do like him.
God..
Wish i had somebody to actually TALK to about it, rather then telling me either one thing or another.
I need somebody that really knows him.. a freind..
But that territory is unfamiliar and knowing me i'd screw up..

Like usual.

SecretAlias, xx

RUSSEL BRAND! aha ;)

Fun stuff ! :P im watching him live on the telly.. oh how he makes me laugh.

"ooohh im gonna fucking cum * groans * ohh yeah "
This sorta shit reduces me to fits of laughter.
Ohh the fun.

It's friday tomorro. THANK GOD!

Not that its going to be any good though..
Im in a rubbish mood... tomorro will be rubbish.. im going to be in school till 5.. then i have to rush back to Dagenham to pick up my cousin because my aunts being longggg just because i said im not going to her staff party.. Gahh.

And apparently im not allowed to stay out tomorro night, which is code for " Your not going out"
TAKES THE PISS.

Ohwell.. its not asthough i've got anywhere to go anyway.

ppffh..
HAHAHAHAHA now Russel brands talking about deep throating... ahahhahaahah

Fucking retard man.. but he is BLOODY hillarious..


SEXYTIME WITH RUSSEL BRAND! (Y)


SecretAlias, xx

And breathe.

Hello there blogspot..
I'm tired at this moment..
I was just about to sign off of my pc but suddenly decided to write a post.
God know's why as i dont really have anything interesting to say other then i found my phone and my oyster card... and that i spent the day at home today ;)
Im going to wash up.. tidy my room a bit... then Sleep.
Ahh sleep.
Cant get enough of it.
The weekend canNOT come Soon enough..
for these 3 reasons;

1) Parrrtayyy on friday night.
2) Staying over Kerri's on saturday night
3) Jay's back from Prague :)

So yeah..
It's all good.
Yess..

Btw, illness is going! no more cold to contend with.. well.. not MUCH of one anyway.


Because when i, arrive, i , i bring the fire make you come, Alive, i can take you higher.

SecretAlias,

xx

ill..

I.. am ill.
It's so amazingly annoying, as im hardly ill and i hate the fact that i feel like rubbish physically aswell as emotionally..
I've just changed my WHOLE bedroom around.. i think i must be crazy tbh!
In whole it only took me around 35 mins.. but now i have to put everything away and find home's for stuff and tidy it all up and its so much goddamn effort..
Plus i have to attempt to try and find my phone and oyster card which have both gone missing mysteriously, and what SMACKS it is that my phone battery has died.. so i cant even bloody PHONE it!
Also, my phone charger has gone walk-abouts aswell!
I give up in this house..
On the upside.. my room does look ALOT better.. and its wednesday tomorrow.. which means its my free day woo :) Time to chill me thinks.. going to have a lovely bath tomorro before anyone comes home.. and will look for that phone charger if i dont get round to it tonight..
somehow i dont think i'll be going to bed anytime soon.. which is really bad as im ill..

Look's like i'll be crashing soon.

System overload.

SecretAlias, xx

So it's sunday..
And.. im not feeling to shabby.
I went to see Michelle Last night, and we got a TAD bit drunk..
It was bloody fun to say the least!!
Lets just say 4 litres of strongbow and a bottle of vodka "Does the job"!
We just chilled out in her shed listening to bullet for my valentine blasting out loud, and playing cards and chatting...
Then the picture time came around.. hahaha :D
bad bad baddd, but FUN.
We're going to hang out alot more now, as we havnt for a while.
Jay's off to Prague tomorro!!
And... apparently he's getting me something??
Haha.. oh dear..
I chose a surprise, so i really do not have a clue!
I plan to tell him how i feel when he gets backk.. soo.. yeah!
But obviously with the right moment hahaha..
I owe him a "prize", and he chose the mystery one.. so he doesnt know what his present is either..
Mwahaha.. after he give's me mine.. he'll get his.
( Which will probably be a kiss..)
Thenn that should be the perfect opening to tell him..
It probably wont happen like that and everything will fuck up.. but thats how i imagine it to be..
and it is possible.. so..
Finger's crossed aye?..

S'gna be boring on facebook without him for a week though! lmfao!

Peace,

SecretAlias,

xx

Drained.

Exaustion is a funny thing..
You never realise how thin your spreading yourself untill you finally tear..
I..
Need "me" time.
My aunt really PISSED me off not to long ago, about 30 mins...
She wanted to have some "alone time" with her bf, so she was trying to get me to go out to buy some school shoes and she wanted to take josh with me.. even THOUGH he'd just been caught nicking a tenner off of me and she'd banned him from going to the park.
Is this just me, or does letting him come out shopping, not defeat the whole purpose of not letting him out??
So i said no, that i wasnt taking him, because he had been naughty.
Which personally i feel is Quite fair enough, but Ohhh Noo.
My aunt starts flying off at me, laying down the guilt trip about " favours"
Yet she neglected to mention how many favours i do her also.
I just cant deal with all this pointless shit atm.
If somethings gna make me upset, i want it to be something worthwhile.
I actually cried. I sat in my room, on my bed, and i cried.
What a fucking idiot.
It wasnt dramatic theatrical sobbing.. it was just, tears.. silent.
I don't feel well.. my depression is coming back and i can feel it..
I dont want this shit hanging over me again..
It's just too much..
I just want to get away for a while.

SecretAlias,

xx

Today.. has been

RIDICULOUSLY Busy.

I've been up since five am..
i didnt go to sleep untill three am..
i had TWO written science exams at Seven am..
i had to be in westminster by Nine am..
i had to perform at 11.30pm..
we all went for lunch in westminster at 12.30/1.00 Pm..
I had to catch the district line all the way back to Dagenham at 2.30Pm..
And i got home at 3.10pm.
My drama teacher called me, and had a little moan..
I have work tomorro.. and drama.. and break duties..
i have to go and pick up my little cousin by 6 tonight..
I have to write an essay for english, i've chosen to argue about Subliminal messaging in advertising..
I need to revise for maths..
and science.
i need to finish my song for music c/w..
i have to cook dinner..
i need to practice my solo performance..
i need to choose a song for my ensemble..
I need to complete my french speaking booklet...
i need to complete my spanish speaking booklet..
i need to redraft at least two peice's of English c/w ..

i need to do loads.

Corr...
i have alot of work on me plate!

And i still want to have a nice bath tonight and relax and go to bed early..
i dont think thats going to happen :(

I just want a cuddle..

SecretAlias,

xx

Foam party on ice on saturday.

It.. was Brilliant.
I loved each and every minute of it untill it was time to get on the bus and say goodbye to everyone.
Kadija fell over about 16 times, i had to actually TEACH her how to skate .
Patrick took some TERRIBLE pictures, but, he also took the bestest one :)



Me && Jay.

we didnt even know that picture was being taken..
It was lovely seeing him again, he makes me laugh like a crazy woman and i cant help but smile when he's around.
We were holding hands again and flirting like crazzzyyy...
On several occations we were close enough to kiss..

I WILL make it happen..
I'm determined.


SecretAlias

xx

Quite a while.

I'd say its been a good four or so days since i last wrote to you..
And havnt they just been hectic!
I've been so busy i can hardly keep track of the days.
Rehersal's, meetings,duties, so much.
Also, the NME gig last night.. <33333333333333333

WAS SOOOO GOOD .

Not only.. did we actually get IN, ( we may not have as the tickets wernt legally ours :P)
But, we got RE SEATED to the front row next to the stage! Aha ;)
Plus we were sitting next to the woman who's tickets they were in the first place :P

Mwwwahhhaa
That, coupled with strongbow and marlboro reds, was just Perfectó :)

I got home at around 12am, sat up and watched my missed skins episode ( which was pretty Shit apart from the lesbian scene !I was like :O :D )
Stayed up till around 2ish, then went to bed.. only to wake up at 6 today! Grr..
I had to meet adam early so i could get my stuff and get changed into my Clothes as i left my bag round his rather then taking it to the gig with me.
Makes sense right?

Yeahh.

So today is Friday.. and now its the weekend.
I was supposed to be going to an Foam party on ice with Jay today.. but.. I didnt have enough money so my aunt decided to trap me into baby sitting.. instead of offering me like £4, Four measly quid!
All so she can go out! Grr.. ohwell..
I guess i better had start saving up for my party anyway..

It still doesnt change the fact that i dont get to see him though!
I was hanging out with his Brother today after Ed. , and i thought about following through and asking him about Jay like i was going to..but, i realised i wasnt ready too.
Not yet..
So we just went to Sam's ( a chicken place) grabbed some food and had a chat, and i told him more about myself.. not the happy loud sadie, but the sadie that went through a stage of Manic depression, that had a nervous break down, that comes from a broken family home, that moved out when she was 13, that has two junkie's for parents, that had to have councilling, that was put on sleeping pills because of the depression...etc etc.

He was in stunned silence throughout the most of it...
I understand it must've been wierd, thinking you know somebody, then finding out that they have a completely different side to them.
As i told him, when you get to a certain point, like i did, you can hide how broken you are on the inside from other people.
It honestly isnt difficult at all.

At the end of the convo, i went, " So hi!, im Sadie!" and we just laughed.

It's nice to be able to laugh sometimes.


SecretAlias,

xx

I think that..

This is the longest I've gone without blogging since i made my account..
TWO DAYS!!
Feels like a goddamn year.

It's Tuesday.. I've washed, cooked, cleaned, spent extra time after school and attended break duty.
I managed to piss My head of year off today.. which was a plus Tbh!
sometimes he needs to know that he can be an absolute penis!
Today I'm feeling.. distant.
More on the sad side then happy, but I'm in the kinda mood where i don't really give a fuck.
I'm looking forward to Thursday so much its untrue..
Finally, a time to chill out !
And i also get to hang out with one of my best mates, Adam, who i haven't really chilled with in a while.
We are going to buy strongbow and get a little bit legless :P
O2 WATCH OUT AD'Z AND SADIE ARE ABOUT!
Hopefully I'll be going to the foam party in Romford the next day as well, but I'm not sure yet!
i really want to but... I don't know..
Jay's going to be there.. and as much as i want to see him.. i kind of dont.. because i feel like, untill i know where i stand.. i shouldnt get closer then i already am.. but.. i also think " well why dont i take a chance."

Gahh..


SecretAlias
xx

Great.

He's not coming to the gig.
Fab-Fucking-taculous.


This day.. has been.

SHITÉ.

But on the upside, my mate Adam is coming along with me to the gig, and we shall have lots of fun and get very drunk and watch four fantastic bands.

Your missing out.

SecretAlias, xx

Im blogging a bit to much haha!

Sorry about the almost constant update of blogs pretty much daily!
It proves how exciting my life must be eh?

At the moment... i feel RUBBISH.

I feel like there's nothing to look forward too ... like there's no goals!!

Obviously there is, but at the moment i cant seem to push myself that little bit further to reach them.
And its infuriatingly annoying!

Love life = Ridiculous..
Home life = Ridiculous..
Work life = well, lets not even GO there shall we.

Do you know what my freind Jorden said to me the other day?

"Sadie, why do you always like people that like other people?"

I thought about it.. and its true.
I'm like a magnet for emotionally wrecked people..

But the thing is i like him, and i've thought about it and im not willing to let this pass me by..
But i have to wait for the right moment..
If i blubber out my feelings now.. it could scare him away, and destroy the freindship we have already.

I wished this Ex didnt have such of a hold over him.. he seems so blinded by her, that he's oblivious as to what else, and who else is out there for him..


SecretAlias

xx

Update :

So, update... i havnt written for a couple of days..

There's not much to report... 

I'm not feeling amazingg, actually.. im feeling pretty damn rubbish atm..

I'm really emotional for some reason.. and i hate it. 

I hate being emotional... its not me.

I'm confused on the whole"person i like" front... 

I dont know wether to go ahead and tell him.. or take a back seat and see if he comes to me..

I think we really could be good for eachother.. and i know i'd never hurt him.

He just.. clicks with me. 

he provides me with topical conversation, quiet moments, cute moments, and banter.

And, i think he's good looking too! 

Problem is, he's heartbroken.

Yes, thats right, you heard me, Heartbroken.

How could i possibly tell him how i feel... when he's pining for somebody else..

Im getting all the right signs from him.. but suddenly.. i feel asthough pulling away would be the best thing for me..

yet im unsure on wether its nerves talking.

We shall see..

SecretAlias, 

xx

Valentines park

Was quite good, to say the least!!

Me, Jay, Patrick and Sinead met up in eastham and went to ilford for a little skating session!
It was lovely to finally get outt've the house for a bit, as i've been feeling quite claustraphobic for a while!!
And it was also lovely, to see that person again..
I feel, it is safe to assume, we are both interested, judging from today's events ( nothing outlandish of course)
However.. i am hesitant.. as i feel he is distrusting of the female race at the moment, due to his own life issues.. so i dont want to push to hard, in case it scares him away.
But then, i dont want to push to little.. otherwise he may get bored and think " she's not interested anymore"

I'm currently thinking on wether to invite him to the NME big gig next thursday..
but think maybe its too much?
I'll have to consult a very special member of my family to help me with this one, as i dont want to make the wrong choice.
I'd love him to come along though.. it would be a chance for us to get to know each other more, without the presence of other people.. and also without the barricade of "THE INTERNET".
Whatever happens.. he wants to make plans to go out again sometime.. so.. it cant be all bad.
Can it?

More updates coming soon,

SecretAlias, xx

a BOOMING start to my first blog :)

I.. have just kicked out another person i didn't need in my life.
It feels liberating to say the least.
She has been clutching to my last nerve like a newborn baby to a mothers breast for months... but today was the day, to chuck the baby out with the bath water.
I just .. snapped..
3 years... of pent up frustration at her inability to see further then her own reflection... i simply had enough.

So, 1 down, and probably countless more to follow.

So back to the basics of life, wait. No.
I dont want to start my first blog with the cliché line up of " HI GUYS :D so this is my first blog right?!"
I dont write like that, first and foremost.

I dont write in a particular order either, so forgive me if i confuse you at one point during my time on blogspot.. but that's just " how i roll"

What i will do though...
is let you in on the plans for tomorrow.

1) Rollerblading ;) * i know it sounds majorly nerdish.. but hey, what can i say? *

thats practically it.
what an interesting life i lead!

Oh yeah.. i possibly might be going to the NME big gig, next thursday..
and i have a special someone in mind to ask... ;)

But more details of that will arise in my next post, after skating tomorrow ;)

Au reviour mon amies!

x