its the 22nd of march.. .at 3.33am in the morning.. & i cant sleep..
Again.
blogspot is being read by too many people at the moment and i dont want them reading this. yet.
im sitting here with a fag in my hand listening to all that remains.. Ha.
what an apt name for a band.. it's exactly how i feel.
or more too the point, WHAT IS all that remains?
Not much by the looks of things!
I .. ahh i dont know.
i dont know HOW im feeling at the moment.. all i know is that its not a particularly HAPPY feeling.
Gah.
as always tbh.
Cant say im a particularly happy person :)
thats just me.
thats just life eh.
sorry mate.
I LOOK happy, i ACT happy, but im NOT happy.
s'always the way.
N'ermind.
councilling wont help.. because i dont know exactly WHATS making me feel this way.
its a complete mixture of things.. some of which seem petty and ridiculous.. but build up, all culminate to a massive wieght.
on my shoulders.. that no one else can bere for me.
the only person that's come close to helping me lift it ( if only for a while)
Has been kris.
at the ski slope.
i dont know, he just gets the fact that asking Questions doesnt help me.
He'll just sit there with me, or lay there in the case of the ski slope, and listen to music with me.. and stuff will just flow.
he doesnt push, or prod, he's not nosey, or intrusive.
He just listens.
He offers advise but doesnt force it,
he know's when to crack a joke but is also a serious character.
and im going to miss him tremendously when he moves to brighton.
bad times. but he has an amazingly brilliant oppertunity to take there, and i know he will be fantastic in whatever he does in life, and i dont plan to lose contact.
So its not all terrible.
Im not saying that none of my other friends dont listen, or help me .. because they do.. in different ways.
Kris is just the one that reaches bottom. for some odd reason. i dont know. we're alot more similar then we realise.
He opens up too.. i think because he knows that what he says will stay with me. and i like to think he can relate to me, and i too him.
there was a time when i liked him, but it's grown into more then that. i dont like him in the sense of " fancy" anymore, because we've become closer then that.
i can honestly say that i view him as one of my best freinds, ever.
and i owe him for constantly being there.. i know that if i called him at say 4 in the morning crying,
he'd listen.
he might not be HAPPY that i called him at that time, but hey, i know he wouldnt hang up!
i've realised just who i want in my life in the past month.. and kris, outt've the 300 people in my year group, is the main one.
Everyone else will just fade away im sure.
which is a shame, but thats life.
i dont fit in there... and yeah, it is sad.. but heyy.. Im made of stronger stuff then that, and i've only got 6 weeks or so left at the shithole anyway.
so after that, many people can literally go fuck themselves :)
it'll be harder for all those in cliques to leave school then it will be for me.. because they think they'll all be staying great mates with their "BFF'S", but when the
facebook comments dry up, and the txt's go unanswered.. they'll realise.
but by then it will be too late. Which is also a shame.
on the last day.. i doubt very much that i'll cry.. just as i didnt for primary school.
i was the only kid outt've my year that didnt cry.
How wierd am i.
And i just.. know i wont.. because i wont miss anyone ( with one exception ). all my bridges are burnt save for one, possibly two ( Jorden)
this summer has too be amazingly beautiful.. in everyway.
I'll MAKE it beautiful.
it's the only thing worth looking forward too in these sad times.
Shit.. it's 4 in the morning, s'pose i'd better kick out.
G'night.
SecretAlias, xx
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