but MAJOR events have occured and to be honest i havent had the strenth or will power to face up enough to write it all down to get it out.
my aunt lost her job, well .. she quit.
We are totally fucking broke and ive got about 3 /4 birthdays i need to pay for so im scrimping and saving to be able to get people half decent shit.
i have no money to get my hair cut, or dye it, or buy new clothes ( which i really do need terribly) or to even go out!
it's ridiculous... utterly preposterous.
well.. i've also lost a best freind.. he might aswell be dead to me now because there's no way im going to be able to have a normal functioning freindship with him after whats happened.
basically i was using my aunts laptop when i wasnt supposed to be... and i was talking to a freind.
lets call him FREIND A.
FREIND A proceeded to tell me that he'd gotten up to naughties at a party with someone, lets call them PERSON 2.
PERSON 2 was very close in my family.. so when my aunt came home and read the msn convo she went balistic and took me round to FREIND A's house to tell his parents.
it was heartbreaking.. the only Boy best freind i really had, now gone.
its.. there's loads more but this is a blog so i cant detail explicitly. but yeah.
My aunts been severely depressed and although she's much better now.. im still recovering from the neglect..
she still fed us, but the interation between me and her was minimal, there were days when we literally said two words to eachother and that would be that.
the atmosphere was intense and suffocating and i just felt like crying all the time but i couldnt because i cant.
its so hard for me to cry.
the tears well and at the point of release they just fade.. and i feel so frustrated because all i need is a really good cry to get shit out and I CANT.
other problems include the fact that im still in love with Dan and it makes me sick.
What kind of prick am i? i dont even know why i like him this much its not as if i've got any physical ties to him.
He's so inside my head he feels like an extra limb and i cant function properly with it.
and he's moving to brighton... die inside every time i think about it because that would mean ANY chance of us would be gone.. but i'd still be left with the pain.. and i cant..
im so painfully single its disgusting, no one wants me, and im not surprised!
a fat, ugly, lanky, awkward tomboy with pretty little pretit girl freinds that all look better then she does.. no wonder i never get so much as a glance.
i dont know.. i just .. i dont even know what to write because there's this numbess all over me, especially my chest that prevents me from opening up when its all i really need to do.
My instincts tell me to cry, but my body doesnt listen, its as though all my nerve endings have been cut free from my brain so i cant feel the pressure.
"Since when was pressure a good thing?" "Since now."
SecretAlias, xx
