Little bit of an update!

Wow!
So i really haven't posted in this long?
It's crazy.

I'm really just giving you all an update on how much life has changed since i spoke to you all.
Well firstly, i live by myself now!
Crazy i know, and at only 17 I've definitely stepped into a very big bad world, very young. But hey, You gotta do what you gotta do unfortunately!
Also, I've put on weight! As a direct result of becoming homeless! How does that work huh?
Ergh.
I measured myself today to make me realize just how much i have gained, and it's only 1 dress size? But it's still one dress size that i would really rather not be, considering i was pushing it with my last!
So I've made a definite effort to take my measurements every week on the same day, or at least every two weeks, just to see how much I'm losing.
I've made it my mission to lose 5 inches from my hips, which is two dress sizes. This will take me lower then what i was before but to be honest i don't mind that at all!
Also, i might even decide to lose more than that if i see the results paying off.

Skinny times for me !

But yeah. I'm still with the boyfriend, been 1 year and nearly 3 months now. Crazy right? My longest relationship by far.
Worries over jobs, money and all that stress us out from time to time, but doesn't that happen to everyone?
I'm looking for a new job right now as the current one I'm in has served me pretty much, no purpose apart from getting paid. I don't feel as though working for that company has made me a better person, i actually feel like I've lost who i am a bit. It's turned me into someone who is often bitter, and cynical, so I'm looking for a job that will allow me to get back to my old self once again :)!
I have a recruitment seminar with Apple this Thursday, so hopefully something comes of it. What a great opportunity that would be !

Final last thing, I'm off on holiday next Wednesday! Yeah that's right! Going to Ayia Napa for 7 nights with two of my girl mates, will be lovely to get away for a week and forget about it all, ya know?! Well...until i come back to the UK that is!

Bill's to pay and all that jazz, with little money :(
I'm just gonna make the best of it, if anything, I'll just get a crisis loan if it comes to it!

Adios Amigo's, i hope you all have a super day :)

SecretAlias,

xx

So life starts again.

This is where it gets harder.
This is where, the boundaries are pushed and limits are reached.
This is where we find out if we will succeed, or fail.
On monday, i go back to college.
I feel like im taking a step backwards... but i have to keep reminding myself that it's only temporary, and this step backwards, if done properly, will enable me to jump 10 steps forward. Whats two years ? Realistically...
Once i'm at university life will be my own. And i'll be doing something that i love with a passion.
I'll be able to work a decent amount of hours, maybe, possibily, even get an apprenticeship with a company, meaning that i'll have a guarenteed job to walk into after Uni.

But that's all in the future, what i have to think about, is now.
These next two years i have to consentrate, word hard, and achieve.

That would be easy... if i didnt have a life!
Family, freinds, work .... and the boyfriend.

Him.

I'm scared... of course i am.
I'm scared that he'll get bored, or won't be able to deal with my work load affecting how much we see eachother.
I'm scared that he won't understand the stress that i'll be under.
I'm scared that i'll lose him, because of this step backwards.
But i will never know untill i try.
And i have to try, because i will NOT work at a store for the rest of my life, wasting away serving ungrateful arseholes, while all the while wondering what i could've done with my life. I'll just grow into a bitter old woman, full of regrets.
So i have to try... but it will be hard.
I know i can manage it... but can he?


SecretAlias, xx

:'/

neuewwfufjjgrefgebvjegwv

Porn makes me feel like im not good enough sometimes.
Not sexually, but physically.

These girls are all made up with long hair and toned bodies and theres me, with short hair, average body and more often then not only little make up on.

Guy's say they dont find them attractive/its just the act/for ideas etc
Bullshittt.

Just admitt that you find them attractive!!!
I guess it feels a little wierd for me to think about him masturbating over other girls, because i dont do it over over guys/girls.
Maybe if i did then i could understand.
And purely for the fact that these girls look incredible.. i wonder why he's with me if this is the kind of girl he really wants.

I'm all for watching a bit here and there.. but not all the time.

Why is it all the time?

Smiles all round!

So im not single anymore...
Im really happy at the moment, not just with him, just with everything in general.
But he does make me smile quite a bit haha. hmm.. :)
It's still early days yet, but if this works then it'll really work.

Guess we'll just have to wait and see.


SecretAlias, xx

Re-Direction.

I've left college !
Yeah... thank god :D
I'm starting Music, Media studies, English Literature and Film studies in september... and im working up untill then.
I will start revising my music again, and will concentrate on learning the guitar so im relatively decent!!!
But you know what the best thing is? FREE TIME.
It is the most beautiful thing in the world to look forward too.
Yeahh :D
I cant wait to go out with my freinds again, it's been so long i've forgotten what they all look like.
It was always College-Work College-Work.
But now im doing what i want to do. And i cant wait to start my new courses in september and do something that i really enjoy and love with a passion.

I've decided that i bloody love being single. Yeah thats right, i said it :)
I love the whole relationship thing, but untill that comes along im going to enjoy every minute of being a free agent, because its just soooo much fucking fun.

Finally, im also going back to the gym at the end of this month! :D cant wait, i've missed it sooooo sooo much, And hopefully im going download festival this year... FINGER'S CROSSED! :D

Secret-FUCKING-Alias, xx :)

State of.... Affairs.

Well, i guess alot can change in a month huh?
Psh.
You know, i was having a brilliant day up untill i saw that picture, those pictures.
I was just about to message him and be all happy, but no.
I'll leave it i think.
It's only been a day since we saw eachother and there's stuff like this already.
I thought there may have been a little more consideration, taking into account the arguement/disscusion, what ever you want to call it, that was had only a few days ago.

But hey, i have no control right?
Technically he isnt doing anything wrong... Apart from breaking me.
But he doesnt know that, i wont let him know that... what will it achieve? Nothing.

Nothing at all, it never does, and i never do.

She's such a lovely girl but the massive dislike for her i feel welling inside myself is becoming progressively dominant.

I guess i cant play this game anymore, turn's out i was the one that got hurt this time.


SecretAlias, xx

All's fair in love and war?

No, it is not.
So he want's to join the army.
I nearly had a breakdown when i heard.
I just cannot comprehend the possibility of him going to a country where we shouldn't even be in the first place, to fight and kill and probably BE killed for our government's dirty coverted little scheme's all protrayed as the truth.

It actually makes me feel sick.

The thought of the army turns my stomach anyway, but to know that's what he is considering, KNOWING how clever and intelligent he is.
I just.
It just killed me.

I cant.


SecretAlias, xx